Yesterday was my last day at the temp job I had been working for a few months. For me, endings are usually bittersweet; I’m sad for the ending, but I know there is a new beginning that will follow eventually. I have a hard time letting go (just in general) and second-guess what I’ve done, agonize as to whether I gave it my all or gave up too soon. It’s a crapshoot during the best of times and in the worst of times, well, it’s worse. This one was particularly taxing for me in so many ways; I didn’t know what I didn’t know and now I do. I guess it’s easy to second-guess and imagine and generally free think to no particular end, but it’s really an exercise in futility (the only exercise I’ve done consistently throughout my life) and I’m beginning to see the value of letting go and being done with it.

When I don’t let go and I continue to hold on, I am operating under the delusion that I am in control. Rather like thinking you can pilot your car simply by the power of your will and imagination solely; it’s fun to think about but dangerous in the real world, aside from being somewhat detached from science and the laws of nature. Once I am able to let go and close the door on the past, the few times I have been able to, I almost immediately feel lighter, stronger, more free and ready to start looking for open doors. I have the knowledge of the experience and what I learned about myself from having lived through it and that will never leave me. I don’t need to stay mired in the mud of the past in order to remember that humans are imperfect by design and expectations can set one up for disappointments; those scars run deep and while they don’t hurt anymore, they are known to me, intimately. Hard lessons learned are the only way I seem to learn and I have come to a sort of place of peace with that now. I identify as a person of extremes; extremely kind and extremely intolerant in the same thought, I love with every cell in my body and give freely of my time, my talents and above all else, my love in whatever form it may present itself. Once I believe that I have been slighted, disrespected, taken for a fool, sound the alarm, seek shelter and know that there is a storm loose in the world and her name is Mad Michelle. As sweet and loving as I can be, the polar opposite is true; I don’t even like her and she honestly scares the crap out of me. This is why I make such an effort to not let her out AT ALL, but if she slips out while I’m distracted, I send up prayers and start framing apologies in advance of the wreckage that will soon be left in her wake.

I have no idea what the future brings and I don’t really want to know, honestly. I trust in myself, my Higher Power, those who know all about me and still love me that I don’t need to know. I will rise to the challenge, gather my strength, say a whole lot of prayers and keep on keeping on, no matter the weather or the weight I’m carrying. There are doors that will open, so long as my mind is open and my heart is seeking, I will find the one that’s meant for me.

It is not the actions of others which trouble us (for those actions are controlled by their governing part), but rather it is our own judgments. Therefore remove those judgments and resolve to let go of your anger, and it will already be gone. How do you let go? By realizing that such actions are not shameful to you.
Marcus Aurelius