I talked with a dear friend the other day who I had been avoiding for (what I consider to be) a long time. She had done nothing wrong, said nothing bad, did nothing to offend; in fact, quite the opposite. This dear soul heard the breaking in my voice, saw the emotion in my eyes and I believe, knew it was a critical time for me and gave me the help that I needed in a form that was most life-saving but not without a significant (what I consider to be) amount of actual cash, because that’s how the world works. Want to do good? Money talks, bullshit walks. Now, this gift was freely given, no strings attached, no contract, no soul-collateral or owning of my first born son. It was not a power move, nor was it to show me that she was better than me or superior in any way. You have to understand this, because I didn’t. She gave it freely with no expectation or investment in ever being paid back, literally or figuratively. 

I’ll skip all the blah-blah, this is this and that was that and I went here and thought this and all of the swirling, twirling cyclones of chaos, largely self-created although without intention and conflicting thoughts and emotions, not many of which were of happier things and rainbows and silvery moonbeams. Let’s just say, I went down a proverbial rabbit hole and it took a while for me to find my way back to me. But find my way I did, Blessed Be!

I was able to finally tell her the false beliefs and fears and buckets of shame that kept me from her; I thought of myself as a failure, a disappointment and a crappy friend for not repaying her. Not being able to, not remembering the gift for the longest time and not just reaching out and owning my shit. I thought I was like a third nipple; kind of fun and interesting, but unless you don’t have any other party tricks, it’s not really an essential body part. I felt like that third nipple; unneeded and whatever entertainment value I once had to offer, had long ago expired. 

Now, this was absolutely, 100% organic, grown under the California sun, BULLSHIT. Straight up fiction, lies, untruths, whatever you want to call what is not real, all brought to you by the magic of a misfiring brain and a whole truckload of Unresolved Issues and Irresponsible Behaviors. Yeah, it’s a thing. It happens and sometimes I can catch the crack in the picture, the one thing that snaps my brain out of believing it, but this time I couldn’t and I didn’t.

Not to say that while I was wondering around aimlessly yet full to the brim with shame, my dear friend was also on a journey (because we are all on a journey, even if you never leave your couch) and I felt her along the way, like we were riding on the same train, in the same car but she was just a few rows up from me, on the right, where I couldn’t see her but I could feel her. Still loving me, still hoping for me and calling out, reminding me where Home was. She sent me dreams of better times, conversations when I voiced my terrifying truths and she helped me to see that they were only shadows and I could bring the light and cast them out. The truth is never cast out by the light because it is the light. It’s only when we turn our eyes from the light that it seems as though all is lost. We simply need to remember who we are, reject that darkness, deny its truth, and then turn back into the light, to our truth and freedom.